Thursday 28th July 2022
Getting Help
Hi everyone, hope everyone is doing well. As you may or may not know, I’ve been having a pretty crappy few years, especially the last year and very much so over the last month. I’ve on the most part stayed pretty positive because I’ve always had this inkling of hope, no matter how small it has been, it has always been there and I’ve always been aiming for it.
The hope has always been getting out walking and taking pictures again, certainly not to the extent I was able to before but at least being able to do something, obviously with being in and out of hospital the last 4 years that took a major dent and last year fracturing my back was a massive setback. Last month there was a real improvement with my back and that hope almost felt like it was within grasp again and so trying to go on the treadmill and even getting out a few times.
Despite it all being very simple things, taking it easy and in no way over doing things, it was all too much and the hope that I had for the last 4 years felt like it was completely smashed and ripped away from me and it has really hurt mentally.
Last week I really went downhill, I was trying and willing myself on, but literally everything I do hurts, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sit and the only thing that gave a bit of a relief was walking and after about 5 minutes other aches would start. My aims and goals of the last 4 years all in tatters and on Sunday it was all too much. A sleepless night, barely eating a thing and just done. I spoke to friends about how I was feeling which helped but I knew I needed more than that.
Monday I was a mess and I tried to get through to the GP to see what help I could get but I couldn’t get through to them, my dad phoned me asking if I was ok but I was in no real state to talk over the phone and said I’d call down the next day. Everything was just a shambles.
As the day went on, I didn’t really improve, I mostly just sat there staring into space, not even the TV on. That evening I done the usual film crowd and it did improve my spirits a bit with that night getting a decent sleep for me, I was just so done and taking extra pain meds helped, although with the way I was lying I did get extra pains in the morning.
Tuesday I finally got through to the GP and got a call back, basically two options wait for 9 months to speak with a counsellor or go on meds, but with all my conditions and the meds I’m already on I would need to get the go ahead from the other doctors to ensure it would be ok. Personally, I prefer the counselling and talking about it and getting to the cause and helping that, although I know what the cause is I would just like to properly talk about it, I’m also on enough meds.
They also advised rather than waiting the 9 months through the NHS to try charities, I had done this before so hopefully it will be an option again. I am at hospital next week so I will have a talk with them to see what they have to say and what advice they can give me on who to get in touch with. The GP did send me a link to another charity which I’ve applied to but I’ve yet to hear back any confirmation.
After speaking with the GP I went to my parents and I talked with them thankfully it wasn’t as emotional as I thought it would be, but I knew they would want to spend more time with me, rather than me being alone, which really isn’t the issue at all. I like being alone, I like the odd bit of company too but I just sit and do different things and entertain myself when I’m alone, when I’m with other people I just sit there and I feel like I need to make an effort to entertain them rather than me, which I’m not really good at a lot of the time. I can’t just sit and close my eyes and day dream or switch off.
That evening I went to book club and it was enjoyable too, it always is. Strange how different people can interpret things so differently. The next day I decided to go to the pub to get some 360 images for them which was nice, something a bit different. While I was there, there was a guy that I’d spoke to before about different things and he had a good chin wag and I started to talk to him about my problems, it was very … not what you would expect two blokes to be talking about in a pub… people have this stigma that men don’t talk about certain things which I’ve found is quite often the case but here we were talking about our mental health and the problems that we were having and how we were coping and dealing with them and both of us very sober.
I got the pictures done and all sorted, home. Last night, there was Germany playing in the football and T20 cricket on, so I was in my element sitting there watching them both.
The fact that I’ve started talking about my issues more I feel has already made a massive difference, there is much more to be done and I need to find a more long-term solution, walking was my release and at the moment I don’t feel like I really have a proper one and it would be nice to find something that scratches that it.
Not that I didn’t talk about my mental health, I just don’t think I spoke about the severity of how bad I really felt to people.Friday 22nd July 2022
Sinking
Hi everyone, hope everyone is doing well. It’s been just over a month since the last update and it’s been an eventful yet uneventful time. To start with the infection seemed to finally eased and I was able to do ok, no fevers and the cough was doing as well as it had for quite some time and it felt pretty good.
The major thing that happened just suddenly out of nowhere was my back and stomach pain just pretty much disappearing, just like that. It was a Saturday evening at 7 I got up to go to the loo and it was sore, I sat down again and the next time getting up, at 9 I was like… this is different… I don’t know what I done or what happened but I was as pain free and flexible as I had been for well over a year, I said to the doctor about it and they were as surprised as I was.
But there’s always something, my hip, knee and leg pain has continued though, I said at the hospital about it and they are referring me to a physio to try and get some relief with it. It’s mostly sore when I’m sitting or lying down, whatever way the pressure is on the leg it feels like it’s being bent or pulled out of the socket and getting into a comfortable position only last for so long before it starts to get sore again. The groin pain occurs when I try to stretch or put any weight on my leg, I get a sharp pain right down past the knee.
I remembered last Saturday that while I was getting my Alendronic Acid the doc had warned about thigh pain so it may be related to that, I’m not going to phone them though and just wait for my normal appointment to see what they have to say, that’s still over a week away though.
The last couple of weeks have been a bit off for me, I got in touch with work about going back again, I know it’s going to be a struggle, a massive struggle and doctors and family have said that I would be best not going back again. For me, I enjoy it, I like a challenge and I would be incredibly annoyed at myself if I didn’t at least try. My boss was on holiday at the time and is going to give me a call when he gets back on Monday and so I thought I would treat the last couple of weeks as a holiday as such.
The first week I focused on my fitness to make sure I would be physically up for doing things, despite the pains in my legs and stomach after a while, I was able to cope pretty well and really pushed myself a few days with doing 4+ hours on the treadmill and some small hill walks around town. This week I have focused on getting out more, doing a few more hill walks but with the weather being so good I’ve been reluctant to push it too much and finally on Wednesday I decided to do a bit of an adventure to one of my favourite spots at Killard Head and then round to St Johns Point Lighthouse, coincidently my dad done the same route earlier that day in the opposite direction. I was enjoying it and so I decided to go for a drive through Newcastle and on round the coast to Newry and then finally back home.
It was nice to get out again and yesterday I decided to take a trip up to Portrush, I was thinking of maybe going to do my proper walk to the Giants Causeway, I knew it would have been too much for me too soon and have put it off, instead I just walked around Portrush and went for a drive down the coast down to Belfast and then I went to my parents to pick up a few things and see them. I was really tired by this stage and went home to pass out for a couple of hours.
Despite actually have a decent enough time the last couple of weeks have been tough and draining, the first week with the prep work I was just trying and trying and willing myself on but I definitely have a limit and then when I looked up the reason the doctor warned about the thigh pain it was incredibly demotivating, it could potentially be the early signs of a leg break. The one thing that’s been driving me on to get better is to get out and do more walking and exploring, I know in a limited capacity compared to what it used to be but something all the same, I’m not a settler and have always pushed myself at everything I do and I wasn’t going to give up on that.
Sunday, I heard a song that I hadn’t for a while and it did lift my spirits for some reason, Razorlight – America, I don’t know why but it helped. And then the second week, as much as I have enjoyed it it’s just been bringing back thoughts from three years ago, coughing, barely able to eat, getting nauseous, fevers and night sweats, and then suddenly feeling fine like none of it had happened. I’m hoping it’s just the hot weather that’s been causing it but when you’ve already been through it twice before and the last time just feeling like yesterday it’s just an awful weight, to think of going through it and putting people through it all again, for what, there just comes a point…
Now I’m trying to think of something that I think I will be able to stomach, my last meal was over 30 hours ago and I was forcing myself cereal which was a real struggle to keep down.